Hustling &Hiding
July 29
For years I did not look at, attempt to process or make sense of the shame I carried. Instead, I put it in a tiny glass dish. I was very cautious with it. I could not leave it behind, as it was very much a part of me, so I carried it with me.
I carefully assessed each situation before determining where to hide it. Should I hide it under people pleasing? Should I hide it by staying small and silent?
The energy I put into hiding it was draining. The lies it whispered were like an old appliance that constantly runs in the background. I got used to it and everything untrue it whispered to me.
It’s why I hustled, hid and read the room to ensure people were happy.
It was in my processing it, in saying it out loud, that it got quieter and quieter. It was in saying it out loud in a professional’s office and the healing that came from multiple conversations that I realized we are God’s hands and feet. I had prayed but healing came when I sought out help.
Seeking perfection, isolation and hustling are not remedies for shame, but instead they are often symptoms. If you are tired of hustling, hiding and feeling like no matter what you do it is not enough, there is a different path. Shame keeps us running from a lie in hopes it will never catch us. Finding the truth that shame buried will bring inner peace and freedom.
One step at a time. Keep going. Don’t give up.
Until next time,
Jennifer
Five Favorites
Jul 18
1. -196 Vodka Seltzers. We had some family over a few weeks ago and my sister in law brought these! They are delicious!
2. Maidenhair ferns. Dang, I love these plants. The longest I’ve kept one alive is 3 months. This one, I was certain was dead and when I went to throw it out, I noticed the teeniest speck of new growth. And look at her now!
3. Flags in flower pots. Well past the Fourth of July but still going strong because I like ‘em.
4. Fariner Bakery. Dang this place is adorable. In the summer they have live jazz and hot dogs. I mean, c’mon. I had the Seattle which was dill cream cheese and pickled jalapenos. Delicious! And an Aperol Spritz or 2.
5. Summer date nights. We were on the struggle bus a while back – always struggling to find something to do and repeatedly ended up at the same restaurant. It was and still is a favorite, but we needed something new. I suggested we each take a week and plan something new. Little or big – just something we hadn’t done in the city before. It’s been so much fun!
Until next time,
Jennifer
Taking a Second Look
Dec 30
Emily P. Freeman says that self-reflection can help us to make better decisions. While I agree, I also have a hard time with this. When looking back, top of mind tends to spotlight the things I’d rather not relive.
The hard stuff, the embarrassing moments and the failures.
On the other hand, when I reflect on what worked and what went well, I want them to be big things. I want those moments, actions or choices to be those that were notable, and on a grand scale.
I prefer them to be Life changing. Note-worthy (preferable by someone other than me) or Provide profound insight.
When I taught fifth grade, I attended a writing conference. One of the presenters, who was also an author, shared her love of poetry. She talked of the need to teach poetry as a form of self-expression and tips for teaching poetry writing to elementary students.
One of the things she said that has stuck with me all these years is that poetry hides in the cracks. We look for it the big life events, but it is found in the little things.
I’d like to think it’s because this is where most of life hides. Life hides in the cracks of the ordinary day to day events, schedules and conversations.
Taking a different posture and looking back through a less critical lens has helped when I take the time to look back at the past year.
As you look back over 2022 and reflect on what worked and what didn’t work, look in the cracks of your life. There is a lot hiding in there that deserves a second look.
Until next time,
Jennifer
Relearn & Rethink
I have had a problem with the words humble or humility. I have hated those words and any derivative of them.
Like. I really hated them.
I am discovering that for some time I may have held tight to a misunderstanding of its meaning and one that I found to be oppressive, false and unattractive.
Recently, I was listening to Daniel Bean’s podcast on the virtue of humility. Her podcast covers a wide variety of topics, but each month she picks one virtue to delve deeper into and grow in.
She defined humility in a way that I had never heard. She defined humility as knowing yourself. And listen. That hit a little different. It deeply resonated with me. I found her definition a breath of fresh air and one that I was curious about.
Let’s take a quick peek into the evolution of my definition of humility:
Where it started –
Definition:
Humility: Keeping a spotlight on one’s faults, failures and weaknesses to keep one’s pride in check.
Belief:
Truly humble people: Often boast about the various virtuous activities they partake in.
Where its headed:
Definition:
Humility: Knowing your strengths, gifts and talents along with your weaknesses and faults.
Belief:
Truly humble people: Are often genuine, confident and honest
Dear reader, I have only dipped my toes into this new idea of humility. While it is easy to find pride unattractive it has been very difficult for me to find humility attractive. It seems, though, that I have associated it with poor examples, ideas and an incorrect definition.
On paper, it seems there may be some immense benefits. I am hoping to delve deeper into exploring it. Would you like to join me?
Until next time,
Jennifer
A few questions for reflection:
What is my definition of humility?
Do I see virtue as something to be practiced?
What virtues in others do I find attractive? Why?
What is my strongest virtue? Weakest?
Five Favorites
Jul 18
1. -196 Vodka Seltzers. We had some family over a few weeks ago and my sister in law brought these! They are delicious!
2. Maidenhair ferns. Dang, I love these plants. The longest I’ve kept one alive is 3 months. This one, I was certain was dead and when I went to throw it out, I noticed the teeniest speck of new growth. And look at her now!
3. Flags in flower pots. Well past the Fourth of July but still going strong because I like ‘em.
4. Fariner Bakery. Dang this place is adorable. In the summer they have live jazz and hot dogs. I mean, c’mon. I had the Seattle which was dill cream cheese and pickled jalapenos. Delicious! And an Aperol Spritz or 2.
5. Summer date nights. We were on the struggle bus a while back – always struggling to find something to do and repeatedly ended up at the same restaurant. It was and still is a favorite, but we needed something new. I suggested we each take a week and plan something new. Little or big – just something we hadn’t done in the city before. It’s been so much fun!
Until next time,
Jennifer