Invitations and Tables
When I was a freshman in college, we gathered for a Bible study in the RA’s small apartment on Sunday evenings. That evening he spoke about the bible verses from Luke 14: 8 – 11.
This verse is often a reminder not to exult yourself and take the lowest place. Near the end of his reflection on these verses, he asked us to picture the table of our lives and asked us who we had invited to take a place at our table.
Who have you invited to sit in the highest seat? And who at the lowest?
Very recently, I struggled with an offhanded comment someone had made one night while out at dinner. I felt deeply misunderstood and hurt by her comments. In the days and weeks after that dinner, I had started a few emails to send in response and picked up the phone to call, only to feel a deep hesitation.
At Mass, one Saturday evening I saw a mutual acquaintance that conjured up everything that I was trying to keep at bay. It felt like an interruption to the peace I had come to experience. Seeing this person was like gas on the flame of anger and bitterness.
Finally, I closed my eyes and said a quiet prayer, asking for help. I felt a new question.
Who have you invited to your table? I was immediately brought back to that small apartment, sitting shoulder to shoulder on the floor.
It helped me to see the situation differently and reduced the anger that bubbled up when I thought about what happened. Why did their opinion of me matter so much? Why had I invited them to sit at my table? Had I given away someone else’s place?
The bigger question, that He lay on my heart was, where does your identity lie? Sometimes I forget that a loving Father created me with a great plan and purpose. Sometimes it makes me uncomfortable.
When I have not taken the time to fill my own bucket, I wander off and look elsewhere, asking others, even acquaintances, who do you say that I am? God reminds me again and again that He has a profoundly beautiful answer to that question.
Controlling other’s opinions of ourselves is exhausting and draining. When I find myself struggling with this, I know I need to spend time with God and time discerning who I’ve invited to my table.
Until next time,
Jennifer
Who are We Waiting For?
In a recent post on Instagram, Among the Lilies, stated that Advent isn’t about performing acts of holiness, it is about waiting.
Years ago, we lost an infant son, and in the months of waiting I worshipped at the altar of a vending machine god. I plunked in prayers like quarters, in hopes that if I put in enough good works and prayers, the miracle I was begging for would be dispensed.
After we lost him, I struggled with the idea that there was more I could have done. In the months that followed I spent hours in the evening at our quiet, candlelit parish both lamenting and praying that my heart would be healed.
Slowly, after pouring out my deep and honest anger at Him, I rediscovered a God that loves me beyond all telling. I discovered a Father that does not pour out blessings as a reward or withhold as a punishment. I discovered a God who yearns to sit beside me and enter every part of my heart. The hardened and angry part, the scared part and the insecure part. He did not leave when I was honest with Him, but came much, much closer.
God wants an honest relationship with us, not a perfect one.
Still now, many years later, I find myself striving in various seasons. My insecurity gets the best of me, and I want to add bullets points onto my spiritual resume. Recently I was reminded that in these situations, to pray for the gift of poverty of spirit. Holiness cannot be grasped at or checked off like a to do list.
Who we wait for determines how we will wait.
The God that wants to come into our hearts this Christmas wants to come into the parts we are most critical of. The ones we have hid behind a closed door, often because we are afraid of God speaking to this part of our heart like we do; harsh and critical. We are afraid of God telling us what we say to ourselves, Yes, keep this part of you hidden.
But the God we wait on wants to enter this part of our heart with the gentleness of a newborn baby. And here He yearns to be held tenderly and nurtured. In holding the Truth here, in the tenderest parts of ourselves, we will be reconciled to Him and thus to ourselves.
Reader, what part of your heart, your life, your past, your mistakes or your wounds, has God asked if you had room for Him? Can you picture yourself opening this door? Mary is outside waiting to place the Christ Child in your arms. Imagine cradling Him, pulling Him to your chest and simply sitting with Him as He sleeps contently on your chest.
God wants to give us the gift of freely being our most authentic selves.
Let’s let this Advent be the beginning of restoration of our whole heart to God.
Peace,
Jennifer
Hustling &Hiding
July 29
For years I did not look at, attempt to process or make sense of the shame I carried. Instead, I put it in a tiny glass dish. I was very cautious with it. I could not leave it behind, as it was very much a part of me, so I carried it with me.
I carefully assessed each situation before determining where to hide it. Should I hide it under people pleasing? Should I hide it by staying small and silent?
The energy I put into hiding it was draining. The lies it whispered were like an old appliance that constantly runs in the background. I got used to it and everything untrue it whispered to me.
It’s why I hustled, hid and read the room to ensure people were happy.
It was in my processing it, in saying it out loud, that it got quieter and quieter. It was in saying it out loud in a professional’s office and the healing that came from multiple conversations that I realized we are God’s hands and feet. I had prayed but healing came when I sought out help.
Seeking perfection, isolation and hustling are not remedies for shame, but instead they are often symptoms. If you are tired of hustling, hiding and feeling like no matter what you do it is not enough, there is a different path. Shame keeps us running from a lie in hopes it will never catch us. Finding the truth that shame buried will bring inner peace and freedom.
One step at a time. Keep going. Don’t give up.
Until next time,
Jennifer
Five Favorites
Jul 18
1. -196 Vodka Seltzers. We had some family over a few weeks ago and my sister in law brought these! They are delicious!
2. Maidenhair ferns. Dang, I love these plants. The longest I’ve kept one alive is 3 months. This one, I was certain was dead and when I went to throw it out, I noticed the teeniest speck of new growth. And look at her now!
3. Flags in flower pots. Well past the Fourth of July but still going strong because I like ‘em.
4. Fariner Bakery. Dang this place is adorable. In the summer they have live jazz and hot dogs. I mean, c’mon. I had the Seattle which was dill cream cheese and pickled jalapenos. Delicious! And an Aperol Spritz or 2.
5. Summer date nights. We were on the struggle bus a while back – always struggling to find something to do and repeatedly ended up at the same restaurant. It was and still is a favorite, but we needed something new. I suggested we each take a week and plan something new. Little or big – just something we hadn’t done in the city before. It’s been so much fun!
Until next time,
Jennifer
Imma Workin’ On It
What I’m working on.
I’m working on being hopeful. I’ve subscribed to 2 very popular, yet untrue philosophies.
One: Positivity in every situation is an answer to your problems.
Two: Being Christian is an insurance policy against bad things happening.
I wish I could say that I have cancelled both subscriptions, and I have. But then I get the postcard in the mail for a free issue and forget to cancel.
About two years ago, I started the practice of seeing a spiritual director each month.
When I share about the pain and ache of a situation(s), she reminds me that God is always good and He will bring good from this, in His way and in His time. She reminds me that He is with me, right now amid this and He has not abandoned me or forgotten me. She reminds me that Satan has me exactly where he wants me. (Welp. I used the word. More on that later).
She asks me about when God has been faithful in my life and kept good on his promises to me personally.
Being held accountable to answer that question has proven to change the course of my attitude, but also my faith and hope.
The power that truth has in these situations is incredible.
Life took a turn lately and things are difficult. It is not a story that just involves me, and I don’t feel like I can broadcast it here. But both myself and my husband noticed that I have been incredibly, incredibly angry.
When I took the time to investigate why, I realized I had not given myself permission to feel the deep disappointment and sadness. Instead, I acted as though I was a ray of sunshine and reminded myself constantly to focus on the positive and that it will all work out. All this masking and pretending gave way to red hot anger.
So lately, I’ve been sitting with my true feelings (like actually sitting and paying attention to how I feel) Next, I remind myself that God sees me and knows exactly where I am at.
Lastly, I remind myself that I don’t know if it will work out the way I want, but it will be okay, and God will bring good from it.
So, dear reader, how are you feeling? I mean like, really feeling?
Until next time,
Jennifer
Taking a Second Look
Dec 30
Emily P. Freeman says that self-reflection can help us to make better decisions. While I agree, I also have a hard time with this. When looking back, top of mind tends to spotlight the things I’d rather not relive.
The hard stuff, the embarrassing moments and the failures.
On the other hand, when I reflect on what worked and what went well, I want them to be big things. I want those moments, actions or choices to be those that were notable, and on a grand scale.
I prefer them to be Life changing. Note-worthy (preferable by someone other than me) or Provide profound insight.
When I taught fifth grade, I attended a writing conference. One of the presenters, who was also an author, shared her love of poetry. She talked of the need to teach poetry as a form of self-expression and tips for teaching poetry writing to elementary students.
One of the things she said that has stuck with me all these years is that poetry hides in the cracks. We look for it the big life events, but it is found in the little things.
I’d like to think it’s because this is where most of life hides. Life hides in the cracks of the ordinary day to day events, schedules and conversations.
Taking a different posture and looking back through a less critical lens has helped when I take the time to look back at the past year.
As you look back over 2022 and reflect on what worked and what didn’t work, look in the cracks of your life. There is a lot hiding in there that deserves a second look.
Until next time,
Jennifer
Relearn & Rethink
I have had a problem with the words humble or humility. I have hated those words and any derivative of them.
Like. I really hated them.
I am discovering that for some time I may have held tight to a misunderstanding of its meaning and one that I found to be oppressive, false and unattractive.
Recently, I was listening to Daniel Bean’s podcast on the virtue of humility. Her podcast covers a wide variety of topics, but each month she picks one virtue to delve deeper into and grow in.
She defined humility in a way that I had never heard. She defined humility as knowing yourself. And listen. That hit a little different. It deeply resonated with me. I found her definition a breath of fresh air and one that I was curious about.
Let’s take a quick peek into the evolution of my definition of humility:
Where it started –
Definition:
Humility: Keeping a spotlight on one’s faults, failures and weaknesses to keep one’s pride in check.
Belief:
Truly humble people: Often boast about the various virtuous activities they partake in.
Where its headed:
Definition:
Humility: Knowing your strengths, gifts and talents along with your weaknesses and faults.
Belief:
Truly humble people: Are often genuine, confident and honest
Dear reader, I have only dipped my toes into this new idea of humility. While it is easy to find pride unattractive it has been very difficult for me to find humility attractive. It seems, though, that I have associated it with poor examples, ideas and an incorrect definition.
On paper, it seems there may be some immense benefits. I am hoping to delve deeper into exploring it. Would you like to join me?
Until next time,
Jennifer
A few questions for reflection:
What is my definition of humility?
Do I see virtue as something to be practiced?
What virtues in others do I find attractive? Why?
What is my strongest virtue? Weakest?
Five Favorites
Jul 18
1. -196 Vodka Seltzers. We had some family over a few weeks ago and my sister in law brought these! They are delicious!
2. Maidenhair ferns. Dang, I love these plants. The longest I’ve kept one alive is 3 months. This one, I was certain was dead and when I went to throw it out, I noticed the teeniest speck of new growth. And look at her now!
3. Flags in flower pots. Well past the Fourth of July but still going strong because I like ‘em.
4. Fariner Bakery. Dang this place is adorable. In the summer they have live jazz and hot dogs. I mean, c’mon. I had the Seattle which was dill cream cheese and pickled jalapenos. Delicious! And an Aperol Spritz or 2.
5. Summer date nights. We were on the struggle bus a while back – always struggling to find something to do and repeatedly ended up at the same restaurant. It was and still is a favorite, but we needed something new. I suggested we each take a week and plan something new. Little or big – just something we hadn’t done in the city before. It’s been so much fun!
Until next time,
Jennifer